Focus On The Family (Exodus 20:12)
Exodus 20:12
by Dr. William Hsueh

Introduction

The 5th commandment is the centerpiece of the 10 commandments. The 1st to 4th commandments have to do with man?s relationship with God. The 5th to 10th commandments have to do with individuals relating to one another. It's interesting to see that this second half of the 10 commandments begin with the commandment to honor one?s parents. God is telling his people that if they are to love their neighbors, they must start with their own family.

Counselors tell us that many of our relational and emotional problems find its root cause in one?s family of origin. How we are loved or not loved at home will affect whether or not we are able to give or receive love later on in life.

In my ministry, I have the opportunity of talking to different women in different places about their relational problems. It could be problem with their boss, husband or friend. After listening for a while, I usually ask, "Tell me about your relationship with your father." More often than not, this simple question brings tears to them and opened up a door for further in-depth conversation and counseling.

You see, how we communicate, love and forgive at home, will affect our ability to communicate, love, forgive and relate to those outside the family.

In the Jewish culture, the family is a very important unit. It is said that they survived holocaust and various anti-Semitism because of their strong family units. When Sabbath comes, the family stops and comes together to pray. Every year at Passover, no matter where they are, the family comes together and the father would tell the Passover story, reminding the family how God brought his people out of the land of slavery.

The Chinese and other Asians take pride in the centrality of the family unit in their societies. Strong family bonds are often used to explain the accomplishment of Asian school children. During the cultural revolution in China, efforts were made to disintegrate the family system, replacing it with communities, yet the family units continued to thrive.

As God instructs his people to love one another, he wants them to start at home. How so?

I. Content of the 5th commandment.

This 5th commandment says, "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." To honor means to give weight to, to glorify (i.e. to speak well of the person), to accept a person?s importance. This is the first commandment that comes with a promise. If God?s people honor their parents, they may live long in the land God is giving them. To live long is a blessing. Its a blessing for parents to see their children and grandchildren.

To whom is this commandment given? We often direct this commandment to the children. They are to obey their parents. We have certainly maximized this commandment in its application to the little ones. But if we put the 5th commandment in its proper context, along with the other 9 commandments, isn?t it equally true that its directed more to the adults? As this group of God?s people, the ex-slaves were about to enter a new land, and to settle in different towns, the life-style would be very different from what they were used to. The shape of the family would be very different. When they were slaves, their masters would provide for most of their needs. But from now on, they would have to be responsible for each other. The group that would be most vulnerable would be the elderly. You see, to the younger generation, going into the promised land would be adventurous and full of opportunities. Not so with the elderly.

To those of us immigrants to this country, we know this well. When we came here while we were younger, we studied and found a job. Literally we created a world with our own hands. Later, we sponsored our retired (or near retirement) parents to come. Now, who is going to take care of them in this land known as the paradise for the young but graveyard for the elderly?

As God was shaping this group of people into a new nation, he wanted the adult children to honor, to give weight, to esteem their parents. Don?t forget or ignore them. Honor your father and mother.

Throughout history, we have many touching stories about children honoring their parents. There is the story about a certain Rabbi Tarfon. It is told that when Rabbi Tarfon?s mother wished to get up on to her bed, he would stoop down and make his bent back a step for her to step on. It is told that on another occasion his mother? s sandals split and broke in such a way that she could not mend them. So she had to walk across the courtyard barefoot. So Rabbi Tarfon put his hands under her feet at each step she took, so that she might walk over his hands and not over the cobblestones all the way. This rabbi felt that the glory of honoring his mother was even greater than any other glory that might come to him.

The Chinese have a collection of 36 stories about children honoring their parents. And there is one story that during one of the great famines, a son cut off a portion of his thigh and cooked it for his mother.

These stories affirm the importance of honoring one?s parents. What does it mean to us in the 20th century?

II. Present day application of the 5th commandment.

To some of us, to honor our parents does not mean that we continue to let them manipulate and control us well into our adulthood. We are to be responsible to God as to how we live as persons made in God?s own image. On the other hand, honoring our parents means first:

1. Be Obedient.

Parents play a very important role in the basic family unit. As God is to the adults, so are parents to the children. In the family unit, parents become the law giver, lover and provider. Our parents may not be as smart and knowledgeable as we are. I don?t think too many of us parents understand how a third and fourth grader does his multiplication. But parents have a more developed sense of right and wrong. Their experience in life provides them with wisdom in using their knowledge to make the proper and wise decisions. Or in Chinese we say, they have consumed more salt than we have rice. This is one reason for listening to and obeying them.

2. Be attentive.

To honor our parents means to pay attention to their emotional needs. Yes they maybe old, but they still have feelings. Sometimes there is a tendency for the younger ones to treat the elderly as a non-entity. We want to put them with other elderly, thinking they enjoy the company of other old people. After checking out a nursing home, my mother said, "I don?t want to be with old people all the time. Its depressing." Sometimes we just let them sit alone by themselves, because we may not be interested in carrying on a conversation with them, or there is the fear of not knowing what to say to them.

I have learned much from my older sister, Helen and some of her friends on how they have been attentive to my parents. Andrew is a good friend of Helen?s family. In many of our family gatherings, Andrew and his family would be there. Andrew would always make a point to come sit by my father and talk to him. Even when my father in his last days, didn?t talk much, Andrew would sit by him. No wonder through out these years, Andrew was one of my father?s favorite friends.

To honor our parents means to spend time with them, talk to them and listen to them. Even if they keep repeating the same thing or at times incoherent, our listening to them can bring great comfort to them.

We also pay attention to their physical needs. A mistake I often make with my parents is to look at their discomfort or physical problem through my eyes. When they complain its hurting somewhere, based on how I will treat some of my muscle pain, I would tell them its OK, it would go away in a few days. But I have since learned the need to feel their physical pain through their skin. To me, it could be minor, but to them its a problem. When they are old, they become less secure about their health.

Then we also need to take initiative to their being adequately provided for financially. For those us who are thoroughly westernized, we tend to have the attitude that if they need money they will let us know. Few parents will do that, unless they are really desperate. Instead, we are to take the initiative to regularly sit down with them to see how they are doing financially and how we can help them.

I am often encouraged and touched by seeing how some of you make that choice to care for your elderly parents. I think Paul should have the last word on this matter: "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (1 Timothy 5:8).

3. Be grateful.

I have a cousin 20 years older than I. During the Sino-Japanese war, my father took him and his sister into our family for about two years. Later, my father helped him find a job in the bank. After all these years my cousin is still grateful to my father. When my father had Cataract surgery two years ago while he was visiting CA, he stayed over night at my parents apartment to take care of him. During the last few months of my father?s life, this cousin offered to take my father into his home in Shanghai.

As I grow older and see my children growing up, it makes me more appreciative of what my parents have done to me. Sometimes I only wish I have shown them my gratitude in more concrete ways.

III. Parental responsibility in the 5th commandment.

Certainly there are many more implications we can deduce from the word honor. But I also want to point out the unspoken words in this commandment. Yes, its the children?s responsibility to honor their parents, but there is also a challenge to the parents, that we be honorable, worthy of our children?s honor.

We are familiar with today?s family status. More and more children come from divorced families. Father or mother walking out on the family, simply disappearing. Many fathers fail and refuse to carry any financial responsibility for their children. Parents commit adultery. Children are being abused physically and emotionally. Many parents love and accept their children based on their looks, performance and accomplishments.

With children growing up in such environments, it will be hard, if not impossible for them to honor their parents. Therefore, as parents, we also need to be aware of our responsibilities to our children. Such as supporting and caring for them. Provide for them their most basic physical needs. To train and discipline them according to biblical principles and their personality bends. To encourage them and respect their privacy. And most important, is to love and accept them unconditionally. Show them our love in a way they can understand and feel.

Conclusion

When we are younger, honoring our parents is often limited to being obedient and grateful. As we grow older, honoring our parents starts to take on additional meaning. The most difficult part for me is when I realize that I am changing from a care receiver to a care giver to my parents.

Some of us probably remember the time when our parents would be opening the car doors and putting the seat belt over us. When we first started to walk, they would be walking slowly beside us. Or trying to make sense from our limited vocabulary. They made the doctors appointment and took us there, carefully counting and giving our medicine. They would cook our favorite meals and wash our clothes. Listen to us and be patient with us when we throw those temper tantrums. But there will come a day when we have to open the car doors for them, put the seat belts around them, cook their favorite dishes and wash their clothes. We? ll be spending time listening to them and allowing them to let out on us whatever anger and frustration they may have. We have to make doctor?s appointments and take them there. Patiently assisting them with the taking of medication. Helping them make certain financial and living arrangement decisions. Patiently walking slowly beside them. This is honoring our parents.

In closing I would like to say a few words to those of us with parents and grandparents living in a different city. Here in this church, we are thankful that God has brought some elderly people to our midst, to worship with us and to enrich our life experience. May I encourage you to honor them just as you would honor your parents. To bring joy, comfort, companionship and encouragement to them.