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The joy I have in living with my wife and children I would
not have were it not for the institution of the family, and now
that David is off in college, these weekends when he is home are
all the more precious. I shared wonderful times with my parents,
my sisters and brother as we grew up, times that would have been
missed except for the family. Everyone of you could recount
exactly the same experience. The family is special, even though
we often take it very much for granted.
But being so closely knit, there are problems that are
unique to families. As the song goes, "You always hurt the one
you love/the one you shouldn't hurt at all," and you know that is
true. Siblings have their rivalries, and sometimes have to be
dragged off one another, kicking and screaming. Often, the only
time the brothers and sisters are on the same side of anything is
when they are united in opposition to their parents.
Grandparents are a problem from the OTHER end. Gramps comes
in and sees his little angel, starts fishing around in his
pocket, and says, "Let's see if we have some money in here for
you." But years before, when YOU went to him for a nickel, you
got the story of how he had to get up at three o'clock in the
morning when he was seven years old, walk ten miles in the dark
to milk a hundred cows. The farmer had no bucket, so he had to
squirt the milk into his little hand then travel another eight
miles to the nearest milk can, and all for ten cents a week.
Forget that nickel Someone has said the reason grandparents and
grandchildren get along so well is that they have common
enemies...mommy and daddy.
Despite the fact that those relationships can be great
sources of good fun, too often, things do work out that other
way...enemies. From time immemorial there have been tensions
between generations - one expects deference because "I'm the
father and I said so;" the next is convinced that nothing really
important happened in the history of the world until I came
along. Tension. God says be careful. "Honor your father and
your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the
LORD your God is giving you."
Why should such a commandment be necessary? To be blunt, in
the ancient world, it was dangerous to grow old. In some of the
cultures that surrounded the newly-freed nation of Israel, aged
parents were sent off to die of starvation and exposure in the
desert. They had, quite literally, outlived their usefulness, so
Sayonara. In giving the commandment, God was insisting that the
Israelites not pick up this horrible habit of their pagan
neighbors. If, at their heart, these Ten Commandments are God's
outline for establishing a just society (which they are), then
this fifth commandment is the "Social Security" legislation.
Just societies take care of those who are vulnerable, and that
includes aged parents.
So saying, we should note that MORE than mere tolerance of
parents is required here, more than simply allowing them to
continue to live. God says, "Honor" mother and father. What
does that mean? "Honor!" The Hebrew term (kabed) includes among
its definitions "be heavy," suggesting the sense of "give weight
to."(1) In other words, treat parents with appropriate
seriousness.
How does that play out? Well, if we take someone seriously,
we LISTEN to what he or she has to say. We may not automatically
agree, but we do listen. For the nation of Israel, one
generation LISTENING to the previous generation was crucial -
this was the way the culture and the faith were (and still ARE)
passed on. Note the way the instruction is recorded in
Deuteronomy.(2) Moses speaks:
"HONOR your father and your mother..." Take them seriously.
LISTEN to them. They and their generation are the ones who teach
you what is ultimately important.
As we noted, a certain part of "honor" is support. I cannot
imagine the ancient world allowing mom and dad to just die when
no longer commercially useful, but they did. I cannot imagine a
child knowingly allowing a parent to do without the necessities
of life, but they do. I have seen it. Even in the church.
It was a problem in Jesus' day too. In Mark's gospel, Jesus
condemns the religious leaders who tried to avoid providing for
their aging parents by declaring that all their own worldly goods
were dedicated to God, "Korban," as it was called.(3) "Korban" in
Hebrew means "gift." By declaring property Korban, it was
considered to have already been laid on the altar and therefore,
was no longer available for any secular use...even the care of
needy parents. The scribal legalists of the day said this was
legitimate. Jesus said this was nuts. Physical support is a
part of honor. Period.
No question, problems arise. One more mouth to feed can be
a financial burden. Too bad. Inconvenience? Occasionally.
Sometimes aging parents need help in caring for themselves. In
Grimm's Fairy Tales there is the story of a man who had taken his
elderly father into his home. It distressed the son to have to
do it and disturbed him that Dad was not as physically capable as
he thought the father ought to be. He could not even eat his
meals without spilling on the table. The son finally got
exasperated and built a trough from which the father was forced
to eat to make sure the rest of the table would be spared his
lack of coordination. One day the man went into his workshop to
find his young son very busy. He asked the boy what he was
building. The youngster, with a smile of pride and
accomplishment, replied, "Look Dad, I have made you a trough to
eat from when you get old." Honor your father and mother,
indeed!
From an emotional standpoint, when parents encounter times
of stress, the support of children can make a tremendous
difference. My mother said many times after my father died, that
one of the things that got her through those difficult days, and
still helps even today, is the support she feels from her
children. Often, aging parents, even though their physical needs
are taken care of, feel useless, left out, a "fifth wheel."
Health and physical limitations do not allow them to do
everything, so now feel they are worth nothing. I have no idea
how many times I have heard while visiting elderly parishioners,
"I wish God would take me; I am only a burden; I just want to
die." What a shame. The children can help - show the parents
that they are worth something, that their life has meaning and
purpose. That kind of emotional support is a part of honor.
Of course, honor implies respect. In the case of parents,
respect involves a certain regard for their position in the
family...THEY WERE HERE FIRST, after all. They should be able to
expect certain things: to be addressed respectfully, not to be
held up to ridicule in the eyes of others, even to be obeyed.
Obedience might seem like an outmoded concept these days, but the
scripture is very clear: "Children, obey your parents in the
Lord, for this is right."(4) Nowhere is that ever contradicted.
After all, a certain wisdom generally comes with age that should
not be ignored. When it is, society suffers. Honor and respect
for parents make sense.
And that good sense resulted in the promise that God made a
part of this fifth commandment: "...that your days may be long in
the land which the Lord your God is giving you." To be truthful,
it could have read, "...that your days may not be hastily
shortened." You see, in many ancient cultures, parents had the
power of life and death over their children. Even in Israel, the
penalty for a child cursing his or her parents was death.(5) (You
hear that, kids?) A father could say to a recalcitrant son, in
the Hebrew equivalent of Bill Cosby's words, "Listen, boy, I
brought you into this world; I can take you OUT."
But this commandment was not a threat; it was a promise.
For the individual, the sound teachings of the parents - the good
habits, the intelligent care of body and mind, the proper
approach to spiritual things - would all tend to promise a longer
and more productive life than if those early precepts were
ignored. For society, proper honor to parents would serve as a
good rule to maintain order and stability in the nation.
One thing should not be ignored: even though this
commandment is particularly directed toward the responsibility of
adult children, there is an equally important responsibility for
parents that allows the commandment to be faithfully kept. Honor
is not automatic...in business, politics, religion, or even
parenthood. Some parents - even good church folk - are
atrocious, abusing their children physically and emotionally.
Incredible. Honor THAT mother or father? HA! Mom, Dad, get
your honor the "old fashioned way" - EARN it!
Paul writes, "Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they
may lose heart."(6) Sure, children need discipline and parents
ought to provide it. But Paul's message is do not do it so
harshly that you break a child's spirit. Martin Luther, all his
life, had a difficult time calling God "Father," not because of
any pre-modern sensitivity to inclusive language, but because his
own father had treated him so sternly while he was growing up.
Luther could not identify the loving God that he had come to know
in the scripture with what he knew of "father" in his own home.
Support has to be a two-way street.
Honor to parents means respect, but respect is something
that must be warranted. The obedience that parents get should
not be the obedience that is given grudgingly to a dictator. It
should come from a realization that what the parents ask is
reasonable and, ultimately, for the child's good. It means a
consistency of care and concern that begins in the child's
infancy and continues forever. Parents should be respected, but
they should respect their children enough to want to deserve it.
A family in the East was planning a month's vacation to the
West Coast. At the last minute the father's work prevented him
from going, but Mom insisted that she could drive, so she and the
kids would go ahead. Dad got out the maps, planned the route,
the nightly stopping points, and off they went. A couple of
weeks later, the father completed his extra work. He decided to
surprise the family, so he flew to a West Coast city without
calling them. Then he took a taxi out into the country on a
highway that, according to the travel plan, on which the family
would be driving later that day. The taxi driver dropped him off
on the side of the road. Dad waited there until he saw the
family car coming, then stuck out his thumb as a hitchhiker. As
Mom and the kids drove past, they did a double take. DAD! Mom
screeched to a stop, backed up to the hitchhiker and the family
had a joyful reunion. Later, when a newspaper reporter asked the
man why he would do such a crazy thing, he responded, "After I
die, I want my kids to be able to say, 'Dad sure was fun, wasn't
he?'"(7)
Parents need to remember one thing more to be worthy of the
honor that the fifth commandment calls for. Parents must give
their children a proper spiritual framework for life at an early
age, or they may never hear that this commandment even exists.
In the sacrament of baptism, we promise to raise our youngsters
"in the knowledge and love of God." That means we take a vow to
train them in God's precepts and to bring them up knowing the
love God has shown us in Jesus Christ. We promise to raise them
IN THE CHURCH, and the church promises to help us do it.
Christian children will be proud to honor mothers and fathers who
fulfill those vows, moms and dads who talk the talk AND walk the
walk.
Every parent knows that children are a tremendous
commitment. They change our lives. Kids require real work, real
dedication, real patience. But we know the real joy they can
bring. And what a joy it will be to face our Lord one day and,
seeing the Godly lives of our children, hear, "Well done."
Yes, the family is something special, even though we often
take it for granted. We should not. "The basic building block
of society," as they say. Children, "honor your father and
mother" - this is the commandment of God. And the society that
does that will find, "that your days [will] be long in the land
that the LORD your God is giving you."
Let us pray.
O God, we are grateful for the knowledge of the loving
family relationship that we enjoy as your people. Forgive us for
not honoring you as we should. Forgive us, too, when we fail to
properly honor our earthly parents with the love and care and
respect that we ought. Help us to do better. We pray it in the
name of Jesus. Amen!
1. Walter Brueggemann, "The Book of Exodus," The New Interpreter's Bible, Electronic
Edition, Disk 3, 1997) 2. Deuteronomy 6:1-9 3. Mark 7:9-13 4. Ephesians 6:1 5. Leviticus 20:9; Deuteronomy 21:18-21 6. Colossians 3:21 7. James S. Hewett, Illustrations Unlimited (Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc, 1988)
pp. 196-197
Now this is the commandment - the statutes and the
ordinances - that the LORD your God charged me to teach
you to observe in the land that you are about to cross
into and occupy, so that you and your children and your
children's children may fear the LORD your God all the
days of your life, and keep all his decrees and his
commandments that I am commanding you, so that your
days may be long [Sound familiar?]...Keep these words
that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite
them to your children and talk about them when you are
at home and when you are away, when you lie down and
when you rise...
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